Gifts of timing and love

I just can’t seem to get this blog post done on a Monday so I think it’s becoming a Tuesday series!

Gifts this week were a little more difficult. Not because they are not everywhere I look but because I allow myself to get in these places where I see only the need for improvement and not the here, the now and how far something or someone has come. 

Gifts this week were focused on those given away, those that made me laugh and those found in the ordinary moments. The gifts that don’t look like gifts at all on first glance but that force you to stop and give long, hard pause for the moment before you. The gifts you try to rush through but realize they are oh so much sweeter when you stop to savor them. They are soft and quiet and sometimes almost missed. They are hiding behind the noise of the world, the laundry, the dishes and the boxes-  literally. They are tucked away in a corner, they are all around me yet missed every day. They are heard when I wish they could be seen. They are gone all too soon.Some linger, some last and some would be forgotten if not journal ed and tucked away in the heart. Some remind me of gifts past, gifts lost and gifts desired. Some bring up hurt and regret. Some give me hope. 

A few from my running list...

#101 - Isaac stopping to dance on the way out of a restaurant

Sometimes meals out these days are more trouble than they are worth. Typically, Connor insists he wants nothing to eat and then gets upset when everyone else gets their food and he has nothing. Isaac snacks and snacks before the meal comes and then wants down the minute my food comes. Or insists on "mama sit" which means he wants to sit on my lap while I try to eat. So why we continue this charade, I do not know. Anyway, after church we went to Red Lobster and the above scenario played out pretty much as usual (add some silverware throwing, about 13 cars strewn all over the table and spilled milk). After finishing our meal we bolted knowing it was time for naps and therefore, we were on meltdown alert. Trying to rush the kids out of the restaurant, past the lobsters and out the door, I was carrying Isaac, my purse and the diaper bag. He immediately wanted down when we got outside so he could walk. Or so I thought. He just stood there, outside the restaurant and then began to dance. There was music playing through the speaker and he just danced his little heart out for a few seconds. I couldn't help but notice this gift of his timing. I wanted him in the car so we could get home, do naps and move on. I was frustrated that eating out was so much work and so little fun. But he wanted to dance in the moment. I should be more like him.

#113- The promise of God's love, even when you don't feel lovable

Not sure there is much to add on this one. There are days when I just cannot understand why my husband loves me. Or why my parents always believed in me. Or why God would ever consider dying for me? And then I am reminded through God's word:

I have loved you with an everlasting love. -Jeremiah 31:3

He doesn't care what I've done. He doesn't care that I've failed on the same things over and over. He doesn't care that he has to remind me 47 times every day how much he loves me. He just loves me now until forever. I cannot imagine a better more valuable gift than this.

Another week, another 21 gifts

Everything we do should be a result of our gratitude for what God has done for us. -Lauryn Hill

Another week and another 21 gifts recorded. I hope you have joined me in this journey to be intentional about discovering and documenting the gifts in your life. They seem to pop out at me everywhere and most often, when I am not thinking about them. Even if you are not writing them down you can still choose to look for the gifts in your life each day.

#95 - The anticipation of an upcoming trip

I love looking forward to things on the calendar. I do best when I have at least a few "big" things coming up like family visits, weekend trips, etc. This weekend we are going to Dallas to do some kid-friendly stuff with the boys - Legoland Discovery Center and the zoo. It's just a short 2-day trip but the kids will love staying in a hotel and for me, the house to-do list will be out of sight and therefore, out of mind! (Yes, I might just have boxes to unpack..still...two months later)

#98 - A perfect scripture to fit the day I am facing

A verse I'm sure I've read before but on this day where I needed to be reminded to let go of my wants, my own needs, my own plans and just surrender to God, this verse might as well have started with the words "Dear Andrea," -

Many are the plans in a person's heart but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.
 -Proverbs 19:21

#88 - Sounds of my boys being loud

Our house is loud, just about 99% of the time. There are days when I just long for a quiet corner to sit in, to read, or to watch something on television and actually hear it while I watch it. But most of the time, our home is loud and I've come to accept that. But in the midst of one evening where I would typically give a loud sigh and beg the boys to please quiet down for the 23rd time, I leaned against the kitchen counter and just smiled. It was a gift - loud and sometimes hard to give thanks for, but a gift. Someday I will live in a home that is quiet - too quiet - and I will miss those voices and simply hope for a phone call from them on those days. So on this day, I jotted down the gift and gave thanks for two healthy boys who do not understand the term "inside voice."

A gift of encouragement

Today during spin class my head was all over the place. Anywhere from wondering if the ribs I had cooking in the crock pot at home were going to stick and be awful (and then what would I do for dinner) to what was waiting for me back at work and everything in between. Somewhere in the midst of one of the really long songs (I mean a 5 minute song in spin terms is an eternity!) the negative thoughts crept in.

Do you really think this is going to help? 

You'll do this for a while and then gradually quit and be right back where you started.

Exercising long-term just doesn't work for you.

I got so distracted for that few minutes and nearly stopped pedaling. I had gone in with such a great attitude and actually been looking forward to the class since the morning. I focused back in on the class and pushed my body to its max. I blocked out everything else and just let the music drown out the world.

And then, during the cool down period, the encouragement washed over me.

Andrea, you are beautiful in God's eyes but it's okay to want to be beautiful to yourself too. 

Your act of simpy being here makes you strong and pleases me.

And then the sweet, skinny college girl chimed in right along God...because you were here today, your body will be stronger. And you will burn calories all day long because of this hour you spent taking care of yourself.

Satan's words can be harsh. They can tear you down when you don't even need any help with that because you've done it to yourself all day. But when we let the voice of God drown out the world, it's a sweet surrendering kind of moment.

That the God of the universe wants to speak to us and encourage us - that is surely a gift today.

Gifts for the week

I'm a day late on this post but have still been counting gifts all week! It is fun to see the list grow and grow and see how my perspective changes throughout the week as I look for gifts each day.

#77 - Opportunities from the past I didn't see significance in but now treasure and see in such a new and profound light.

On  Sunday morning, I learned that a friend from the past had gone to be with Jesus at a very young age. She and her husband had just nearly adopted us while we lived in Morgantown, WV. Scott and I were both interns for a healthcare company and my boss become a mentor and friend quickly. He gave me my first real "job" in marketing. Before long, I was babysitting his little boy and often Scott came along too. We watched he and his wife Michelle parent this little guy and they were truly one of our first examples of marriage and parenting, outside of our family, that we knew we wanted to emulate. We stayed in touch over the years and they always seemed so happy to see where life had taken us. Last year, I re-connected with Michelle via Facebook and learned they had moved to Florida, just a few hours from us. But just as we were trying to schedule a visit, Michelle's cancer returned and she fell sick. I had no idea how sick because her attitude and outlook were always so positive. I'm not sure how the last few months went but on Sunday, the Lord decided she had fought long enough and took her home. Our hearts grieve for her husband, her boys (the little one we watched is now a freshman!) and her family. But we grieve with hope knowing we will see her again. I will always be grateful for that internship that led us to the Hilado family and gave us a glimpse into a Godly marriage and parenting model. What seemed so insignificant then will now live on and be a treasured memory.

#79 - Weekend outings in Waco

The best part of a new town is exploring! This past weekend we went to our first Baylor baseball game. The boys hardly watched a minute of the game (except Isaac who shouted "out" as loud as he could when the catcher would catch a ball) but we had a good time anyway. The weather was beautiful, I was with my boys and my heart was full.

#81 - Using your pain to help someone else

This week we met a couple at church whose baby has the same condition Isaac was born with. They are in the midst of doctor's appointments and surgery decisions. In just a brief conversation with them, I had such a flood of emotion as the mom was feeling everything I felt two years ago. I have thought since the beginning that God allowed us to walk that path so that we might support others on the same journey. What a gift! I am already praying for this family to have the kind of support system we had and for God to give them great peace as they walk these next few months. This was already on my mind as well this week as we are scheduled for a follow-up with a new surgeon in Dallas this Friday. This will be an 18-month follow up from Isaac's surgery and we are praying for a great report, as we have received with every other appointment.

Are you looking for gifts each day? They are everywhere. They are in the ordinary moments that feel mundane, in the early morning quiet and in the chaos of a hectic day. I'm so thankful for the chance to share just a few of my gifts with you! Many bloggers following this series are asking readers to share their own gifts in the comments - I would love it if you would do that. It just may encourage someone else to look for gifts in their life they have been overlooking.

Much love,
Andrea

Spinning

  

So today was day two for doing a spin class at the campus gym during my lunch hour. There are all kinds of challenges associated with excercising during lunch. Namely the sheer will to just do it but also the logistics of packing the gym bag in the morning, getting from the office to the gym, finding a a parking spot, getting back into work clothes when I am super hot, dealing with post-gym hair (ugh) and so on. I didn’t write about it after day 1 because I wasn’t all that sure there would be a day 2. But there was and I lived. It’s easiest to break this down in a few different lists –

Reasons I should really keep doing this

1. It’s only $30 for the whole semester – that blows up my #1 excuse for years that I couldn’t afford a gym (note we can use two great gyms on campus for free anytime we want and then they just charge a little for classes). Plus, they just deduct it from my paycheck which is super easy. Big perk of working for a university.
2. The most obvious – I need to get healthy, fit and start using the majority of my clothes which no longer fit me
3. I have a flexible enough schedule that coming in 15 minutes early and taking 15 minutes extra at lunch is not a big deal a few times a week
4. It forces me to eat better on these days – a small snack about 11:30, a sandwich in the car on the way back to the office and then a small snack around 3pm.
5. The afternoons go really fast. It takes me until about 1:45 to actually cool down and breathe normally again. Then an hour later I have a snack, take a quick break and I’m left with just a little less than 2 hours to go.
6. I really enjoyed spin the last time I was doing it (post Connor and pre-Isaac) and it’s the only thing I have ever stuck to (went for nearly a year) and was successful with (lost almost 20 lbs.)

Reasons I wish it wasn’t taught by a college girl

1. Well, she is 5’10” and looks like she may have 1% body fat at the most.
2. The way she talks about stressing out over tests, quizzes, fitting in her social life makes me want to pull her aside and warn her about motherhood where you are either at work missing your children or disciplining your children and trying to figure out what they are saying or what they want to eat and then cleaning up and putting them to bed and then feeling guilty about being relieved it was bedtime because you barely got to enjoy them. A.K.A. – sweet college girl, life gets harder than tests.
3. Today she said she was really stressed about a test she had this afternoon so she planned a “super fun super hard” workout that would give her (and us) great stress relief. Her version of stress relief and mine are very, very different, obviously.

So, we’ll see where this leads. I do feel good about the plan to go two days a week at lunch and then try to work in one other evening during the week. I’ve basically failed at every other attempt to lose weight and get healthy in the past two years so I’m cautiously optimistic that this will do the trick. I’ve made some other diet changes too and I’m going to give it my best effort.  

I’d love to know if you are working out, when you do it (especially you moms working outside the home) and if anyone has tips for a lunchtime workout.

One Thousand Gifts

“I don't really want more time; I just want enough time. Time to breathe deep and time to see real and time to laugh long, time to give You glory and rest deep and sing joy and just enough time in a day not to feel hounded, pressed, driven, or wild to get it all done-yesterday.”

This quote from Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts jumps from the page and for a second it feels like the book was too personal. I close it and pray that God will allow the words to seep into my heart and become an extension of me. I close my eyes and try to picture the people, the times I am grateful for. This book forces me to a place where gratitude runs almost wild and it is difficult to go an hour without another item on the list. One thousand seemed a challenge as I read the cover of the book. Now, it seems I will get there today. I write as fast as I can, not wanting to let a moment fade from memory. All of a sudden, gratitude pours like a glass of water knocked over and my pen is the towel soaking it up. The sounds of these moments rush over me and the words begin to run together. I realize I am crying and the tears wash over the moments. I am overjoyed. I have so many to write I cannot get my hands to work as fast as my mind. As my heart. How was I ever at a place where I did not recognize these gifts? How did I, even for a day, lose sight of the abundance overflowing  in my life? Why did I let an unkind word, a sink of dishes, a bad attitude, draw me from this place? How do I stay here? 

I make a commitment to myself to keep writing like this. Whenever I can. The list moves from paper to computer. More than a hundred are on the list the first day. I imagine the list growing to 1,000 and I smile. My God is faithful. He has blessed me and I have missed so much of it. No longer will I miss it. The day is new, the moments are fresh and by the grace of God, he will allow the list to grow forever. Beyond 1,000. Beyond what my simple mind could ever imagine. And then I decide I will share these gifts. Daily with someone. Daily with God. Weekly with those who read the blog. Perhaps a gift will spark a thought in someone else and help them see their own gratitude through a new lens. Gifts were not given to be kept secret. 

Ephesians 3:20

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

A few from my list of One Thousand Gifts

#3 - Blank journals

#37 - The adorable way Connor still says "barry" instead of "very" 

#53 - Long phone chats with friends far away

#58 – David Nevue – amazing pianist and free streaming from his website.

#61 – Getting everyone dressed for church and there is Isaac.. in only a batting helmet and diaper

#62 – Carrying a burden for ones you love

#69 - Friends carrying new life
#70 - Sunday afternoon phone calls from my daddy

My Kindergarten boy

For those of you who know my husband, you know he's funny. Except when he's trying to be funny and then most of the time, he's not. One thing he is always doing is telling me the funny stuff other comedians say. Like the other day, he tells me this bit from Daniel Tosh:

Don't you love it when people in school are like, 'I'm a bad test taker.' You mean you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? I can totally relate see, because I'm a brilliant painter minus my god awful brushstrokes.

Funny huh? I got so proud of Connor the other day because in his stack of school work the teacher sent home, he had a test. And he got them all right! Although we are still struggling a little with some of his behavior choices, he's doing excellent in his Kindergarten work. I love looking through his folder each day and seeing what he has done that day. This past week was a lot of President's Day stuff, including his application to be President on which declared he was qualified because "I am smart." He also filled out a Presidential questionnaire and when asked what he would do as President, he wrote "Take good care of children." I admit, I was relieved that he chose that and not something that included a potty word or embarrassed me to death.

Scott and I get amazed at how much work he's doing during the day and how advanced the Kindergarten curriculum is. I am most certain that fractions were not part of our lesson plans when we were five and six years old. Before we know it, we'll be talking about what it's going to take to get him accepted to Baylor and googling the SAT registrations process.  For now, I'm just glad that I can still help with homework and understand what he's learning. When he starts bringing home science questions and math problems, I'll be letting daddy handle those ones. Mommy will teach him how to write an essay (or blog) and correct his grammar!

My Kindergartener...for another 3 and 1/2 months before, as he says, he starts being a number instead of a word! (1st grade!)

Renewed focus

It's already Thursday and I had great intentions of blogging at least twice this week. I've been trying to wrap my head around a new set of circumstances here in Waco and for the most part, it's been a great week of looking forward and not looking back. I've started new habits, I've renewed my commitment to look beyond what I need and to focus on what others need and I've been praying...a lot. I've also thought a lot about what it takes to get in this place with the Lord where you literally just cannot do a single thing without asking for His help first. I wish it wasn't a place that came (for me) only with suffering. I wish I could get to this place by simply living in a state of praise for all that I have in my life. That's what I am planning to work towards but for now, it took another trial to get me there. And now I've been doing my best to stay there.

Here is what's working:
1. I'm focusing on my "blessings" list. I read this book http://onethousandgifts.com/ last year and have started re-reading it. I'm listing three things, every day, that are gifts in my life. At the end of 2012, that will be more than one thousand gifts I've documented. I am giddy about being able to look at that list in December, already. I'm also joining up with Ann's massive following and going to start blogging about these gifts every Monday. I'm way excited about that too! And let me tell you. Nothing can get you out of a funk faster than writing and staring at a massive list of blessings.

2. I've also picked up this from Ann's site (can you tell I adore her?):
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/12/free-daily-planner-new-habits-free-daily-planner-printable/

I'm still getting in the habit of doing it each morning but it's been great. It really helps keep me organized at work and yet I can jot down all my personal to-do's too. I love writing the memory verse each day which is a great way to actually work on memorizing it. The Doxology part is where I'm listing my 3 gifts. These kind of things were made for Type A people, like me :) Here's my current memory verse:

Psalm 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

3. I am praying. Non-stop. Or without ceasing, as the bible says. With every negative thought or scary emotion that comes, I say a prayer. I acknowledge the thought as sin and ask the Lord to replace it with a truth. I have a list of scriptures right beside my computer that I can look at and say out loud. Nothing has helped me more than my amazing friends sending me God's word as encouragement and reminders. And for those, along with my husband, that talked me down from the ledge, so to speak, this week, you rock.

 I hope some of these might help you wherever you are. Whatever set of circumstances has crept up on you (or nearly knocked you over), God is bigger than those things. And when he brings you to this sweet spot of hanging on to Him for dear life, it will be an experience you wouldn't trade for anything. And you might just find yourself thanking Him for the very circumstance that brought you there. 

For those just hoping for some photos..here's one of Isaac last night. He likes to pretend that he's 5 and wants to do everything Connor does. 

 

Reasons it's all going to be okay

Wow- I have some really amazing friends. Thank you for your love through emails, texts and Facebook. You get me - you understand this kind of hurt and you say the right things. I wish I could scoop all of you people up and move you all to Waco :)

Thinking this morning of reasons it's all going to be okay...besides the obvious that God's plans for us are always good.

1. I have a heat switch in my bathroom here. I never had that growing up (it took years for us to get something other than fireplace heat). That little switch makes me smile in the morning because I know it's going to be really warm when I get out of the shower.

2. We have cable AND two t.v.'s now (including one in our bedroom). I mean, c'mon, that was worth the move to Texas alone. We cancelled our cable in March of 2010 and while it was a good move and we saved a lot of money, it was time to renew that relationship. I'm sorry but give me an hour of HGTV, Private Practice, Grey's Anatomy, or Desperate Housewives and any problem looks less important.

3. On a more serious note, my husband gets off work at 5 p.m. Nearly every day. And I see him, standing in my house at 5:30, only after he has picked up Connor. This means several things:
a. I pick up Isaac and he and I get 30 minutes alone to hang out and talk about our day
b. I do not have two children at the same time who are both tired and hungry by myself
c. As soon as Scott and Connor get home, I get to go in the kitchen by myself and cook dinner. And if the little people come in and start wanting something, there is another adult present to help them.

This is huge people.

4. As a friend so kindly reminded me, the new Vice President may also be a BETTER Vice President :)

And then, of course, there are these guys:

Yeah, they make anything okay. They are a gift from God and when it comes to the order of priorities in my life, they fall way above work.

His grace is sufficient

This post has been rolling around in my head for about 48 hours and I'm still not sure I'm ready to write it but as I always do, I feel compelled to be transparent enough that God can use my journey to help someone else.

 I'm not going to be super detailed here since this is a very public forum but I'll share enough for you to understand the greatness of God's work through all situations. A recent situation with my boss here in Texas (who used to be my boss in Florida and offered me my current job) has really rattled me in the last few days. In another 17 work days, he is not going to be my boss anymore. I sure thought when we moved here in late December, he would be my boss for many, many years. I even thought that after his time here was over, I might even have the chance to go with him somewhere else. Now, for reasons I do not understand, that relationship both professionally and personally is over (or in 17 days it will be) and I do not anticipate it to ever be restored.

It is so like life to take an ordinary day where you are going along just fine and then in an instant, your world turns upside down. You start to question everything. You doubt everything. You try with every part of your being to tell yourself you are in control and you will be okay. But that is all temporary. Before long, you are reminded with great clarity that without God, you are nothing. Without God, you are but a puddle of messy emotions with no clue how to take the next step. My weekend consisted of being angry, hurt, sad, confused and more angry. I prayed but didn't mean the words. I read scriptures but they didn't make it to my heart. I talked to friends but doubted their words too. Satan took a hold of my mind and tried his best to get a foothold. Even after a wonderful sermon on Sunday about the importance of being where God calls you, Monday I decided to be angry. That was the easiest emotion I could latch on to and it felt the best.

But as all emotions do, anger morphed back into hurt and before a few hours, I was right back where I started. And now here is Wednesday and I'm finally getting to a place where God's truth is overruling everything else. My amazing friends are sending me truth (Diana- you are the best), my bible is being opened almost hourly. I'm replacing every wave of emotion with truth from God. I'm reminding myself that it wouldn't be called faith if we understood it all. I'm accepting that God's plan for me is only dependent on my obedience to Him. God is confirming that we were called, by Him, to Texas. We do not understand this situation and we may never really know why it has worked out this way. But we do trust that His plan for us is good. He loves us. He wants the best for us. And beyond that, I'm not sure how much the rest really matters.

A co-worker reminded me yesterday that God created us and knows our emotions, fully expecting us to have them. There is such great comfort in this. Nothing surprises God and everything is important to Him. Even how I spend my 8 hour work days. I'm holding onto that today. I'm holding onto Him with everything I have, determined to use this experience to make me more like Him. I'm going to mess up (I already have) and I'm going to be a tough case for Him for a while. But I trust Him enough to know He will take me by the hand, remind me He loves me and in His time, reveal His plan. Until then, His grace is sufficient for me. And if you are in tough situation, dealing with a hurt or anger or disappointment, know that His grace is sufficient for you too.

Since then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." -Colossians 3:1-2

Edit:
Let me clarify - he's leaving. Not me. He's going back to Florida. To the old job. Where I left...after he left...right after he had offered me the new position. 

And already, just 2 hours after posting this, you sweet friends are emailing me, sending me Facebook messages and loving me. You are the best.